Bad Christmas Head
by jfine
Summary: A Christmas/Holiday story involving the NCIS gang. Tony loses something...important and McGee takes the Elf Lord thing a little too far and of course, Ziva gets naked...maybe? Please. Purty please? Okay, we'll see. Yay! Tivalicously Tiva. SEX! SEX! SEX!
1. Anthony DiNozzo: Mall Santa

This is where I'm suppose to put how I don't own these characters, but honestly, I don't care. CBS can kiss my ass and whoever thought of Rivkin/Ziva's a bitch/traitor plot can die.

Happy Holidays!

* * *

A man in a green elf uniform takes a picture of a little boy sitting on Santa's lap as the little boy yanks on Santa's beard.

"You aren't Santa."

Tony, disguised as Santa quickly replied, "Of course, I am."

"Your beard is fake."

"Well, yeah, there was a bad case of, uh, lice up at the North Pole this year, it hasn't grown back yet, kid. Now scram or you'll be put on the naughty list."

"DiNozzo." Gibbs said, disappointed in his senior field agent.

"Come on, Boss, you should've played Santa...you're about his age." Tony couldn't help himself, grinning his teeth, "Shutting up, Boss."

"You could be playing the elf, DiNozzo."

"Heh." Tony grinned, looking at McGee dressed in his green outfit. "Man, you're cute."

"Shut up." McGee replied.

"I mean it, McGee, you're the cutest elf in the world, look at those little pointed ears and rosey-red cheeks, almost as red as Rudolph's nose."

McGee sighed, "Next."

"You are embarrassing him, Tony." Ziva added, sitting next to Gibbs in the food court of the mall. "But yes, he is cute." She chuckled.

McGee sat a small girl down hard on Tony's lap, "Watch the n..." Tony looked up at McGee, but caught himself just in time, he looked at the girl, "Ho, Ho! You really can't find good help these days, little girl."

Ziva continued chuckled over the ear wigs.

"Santa, I want a pony and a Barbie and a pony for Barbie and shoes."

"Shoes?" Tony repeated. "Man, they start early don't they?"

"We do love our shoes, Santa...DiNozzo." Ziva continued to chuckle on with her chuckled, making Gibbs look her way, she stopped, "What?"

Gibbs shook his head and looked back at Tony and McGee across the way, "Remember why we're here."

"Why is that again, Boss." Tony whispered, smiling as McGee took a photo of him and the little girl, "Don't forget the cookies and milk, Santa likes chocolate chip. Ho ho!" Tony exclaimed cheerfully as he let the little girl down from his lap.

"I won't forget, Santa!" The girl smiled running towards her mom.

Gibbs smiled, watching the little girl. Ziva looked at him, he turned back and saw Ziva looking at him, "What?"

Ziva just smiled, "Nothing."

"Right there, DiNozzo." Gibbs bolted up, staring at a man with a clean-shaven head holding a little girl's hand. "Your nine o'clock, next to the display car."

Tony turned, seeing the man. He stood up from Santa's throne, "Santa needs to take a break, boys and girls...come on, McElf, we need to feed the reindeer."

The man stopped, he gripped the girl's hand tightly as he saw Gibbs and Ziva move in front of him.

"You have no where to go." Gibbs called out, holding up his badge.

The bald man pulled the girl closer into him, grabbing her around the throat, "Where's the money? I'll kill her!"

The sound of a clicking gun made the man turn his head, he did a double take seeing Santa and his elf aiming their weapons at him.

"Why does Santa have a gun, Mommy?" The little boy next in line said.

"Tommy!" His mother yelled.

"McGee, get the kid!" Tony called out.

McGee put himself between the bald man and the child, picking up the child with his free hand, handing him to his mother.

"Screw this!" The man yelled, tossing the little girl to the ground.

The little girl started to cry as Gibbs and Ziva moved over to check on her. The man dashed to the car on display, getting inside.

"What the hell is this guy doing? Like they're gonna leave the keys..." Tony thought outloud. The car started, accelerating towards Tony and McGee, "Oh shit!" Tony yelled, pushing McGee out of the way. Tony hopped onto the hood of the car gripping the top of the hood as tightly as he could. He looked away from the man towards a large crowd of people, "GET OUT OF THE WAY!" He quickly looked back at the man, "Don't make me shoot you!"

The man slammed on the gas and jerked the steering wheel in several directions trying to shake Tony off.

Tony raised the muzzle of his gun to the windshield and unloaded the entire clip into it. The bullet-riddled man's head fell forward causing the car to turn sharply to the right, slamming into a concrete fountain.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Tony yelled as he flew through the air, smashing through a large glass window, landing on his back on a raised white floor display. He tilted his head up, looking down his body as he patted his chest, then stomach and finally his crotch. He smiled, letting out a large sigh of relief.

Suddenly, one side of the display broke, sending Tony falling to the ground below, panties and bras fell on top of him. He lifted a pair of panties from his head, his eyes wide open, "Heh. This would make a good Christmas card."

A creaking noise came from behind Tony. He looked toward the sound in time to see a large clothing rack aiming for his head, "Ahh, crap." The rack smacked into Tony's head hard, forcing his head into the floor, knocking him cold.

--------------

"Damn it, Tony, why do you always do this?" Ziva paced in the waiting room of the hospital.

"Ziva, please." Abby spoke up, worried.

Gibbs' right arm was firmly around Abby's shoulder. "Ziva." He spoke softly, "You're making Abby more nervous."

Ziva looked at Gibbs, seeing the serious look on his face. She sighed, moving to an open seat next to Abby and quickly received a hug from her.

"This is Tony we're talking about, Ziva, he survived the black death, not to mention you." Abby smiled.

Ziva softly chuckled. "True."

A doctor walked out into the waiting room, the entire team rose to their feet, Abby moved over to the doctor, "Is he okay?"

"He sustained a concussion and required 6 stitches to close a gash on his head, but he's going to be fine."

Abby smiled big and quickly hugged Gibbs.

"There is a slight problem, though." The doctor added.

Abby pulled away from Gibbs, Ziva stepped up next to Abby, "What is it?" They asked at the same exact time.

"I'm afraid he doesn't know who he is."

Ziva scoffed, "Idiot." She slid past the doctor, making her way to Tony's room. She walked in, "So, you lost your memory now and we are suppose to believe that, yes?" She chuckled, "Typical Tony."

"Uh, who are you?" A confused looking Tony questioned.

Ziva squinted at him hard, "What do you mean, who am I?"

Tony shrugged his shoulders, "Or better yet, who am I?"


	2. Identity Crisis

A worried Abby walked over to Ducky, grabbing his arm, "What does all this mean, Ducky?"

"Doctor." Ducky spoke up, raising his hand outward trying to get the doctor's attention. The doctor turned, seeing him. "What is his diagnosis?"

"You are?" The doctor asked.

"Dr. Donald Mallard, I'm the chief medical examiner for NCIS...he's one of mine."

"Ours." Abby corrected Ducky. Ducky looked at her, giving her a nod of support.

The doctor moved over to them, "Mr. DiNozzo has post-traumatic, retrograde amnesia."

"What does that mean, Ducky?" Abby stared at Ducky's face, her grip tightened around his arm.

"Ow! What the hell, lady!" Tony yelled from his room, getting everyone's attention, "Stop!"

"No, you stop!" Ziva yelled back. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?! Who the hell are you?" Tony asked, the others stopped at the doorway, not going inside.

"Ziva."

Tony cocked his head to the side, not understanding her, "Huh?"

"Ziva."

"Shiva?" Tony asked.

"Zeeee-vaaaaah!" Ziva raised her voice, "Oh, never mind." She stepped back, turned and pushed her way through the crowd of people.

"Ziva." Abby tried to grab her arm, but Ziva pulled away.

Gibbs walked through the doorway, into Tony's view, followed by Abby, McGee in his elf costume and finally Ducky in his trademark bow tie.

Abby ran over to Tony, nearly jumping into bed with him, hugging him with all her might.

Tony let out a deep groan.

Abby quickly pulled away, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, did I hurt you? I'm so, so sorry."

"Who are you?" Tony asked, looking her up and down, she was wearing all black, her spiked dog collars pertruding from her neck and wrists, "Uh, what are you?"

Abby turned away, looking for someone to hug, finding McGee.

Tony just stared at Abby and McGee hugging, feeling lost. He swallowed hard, not knowing what to think or say, he reached up with his hand and started rubbing the back of his head, "Does anyone know why she was hitting me?"

"Ziva hit you?" Abby asked, moving back to Tony's side.

"Ziva." Tony softly spoke, looking towards the door.

"Yeah, she's Israeli." Abby replied.

"Israeli?"

"Does that mean something to you, Anthony?" Ducky inquired.

"Anthony?" Tony's eyes shifted towards Ducky, he wet his lips with the tip of his tongue, "That's my name, right?"

"Right! But your friends call you Tony." Abby added, "I'm Abby, short for Abigail, but only the Duck man gets to call me that."

"The Duck...man?"

Ducky smiled, "I'm Doctor Mallard, but my friends call me Ducky."

"Ducky?"

Ducky let out a small laugh, "Just a nickname, my good boy. I required it as a teenager." He smiled, like he always did before starting one of his stories, "Ahh, I was 18, twas a lovely day in Edinburgh, the sun was even shining." He let out another small laugh, "If you knew Scotland, that would be humorous to you, but, back to the story at hand, I just had arrived back to university from my childhood home, my mother had packed me..."

"I don't think this is the time for that, Duck." Gibbs called out, moving around to the opposite side of Abby.

Tony looked up at Gibbs, extending his hand outward, "Dad?"

Gibbs stopped in his tracks, he just looked at Tony, he tried to clear his throat quietly, "N-no." Gibbs took a step back, "Sorry."

Abby raised her hands to her mouth, tears in her eyes. Gibbs turned, moving towards the door. "Gibbs." Abby said through the tears, but Gibbs made a beeline for the door, passing through it before she could said another word.

"Why are you crying?" Tony asked, looking at Abby.

"You're my jokester in crime, you're my firm, warm-chested defender when Gibbs isn't around, your the best damn big brother a girl could ask for and most importantly, I love you, ya big meanie!"

Tony lowered his head, "Sorry."

Abby quickly hugged Tony, "All forgiven. You know, I can't stay mad at you." She pulled away, looking at Tony, she wiped her nose with the inside of her elbow, "Well, you did."

"Warm-chested defender?" McGee said in a inquisitive tone.

Abby turned her head, looking at McGee, "What? Don't believe me, feel it, McGee, its like a poptart straight out of the toaster."

"I'm not feeling his chest, Abby." McGee said. Tony was staring at McGee. McGee looked down at his clothes. "Oh, you were Santa, I was your elf."

Tony didn't say a word.

"We were undercover, you pushed me out of the way, you saved a lot..." McGee stopped when he realized Tony looked a little more lost with every word he spoke..."I-I'm your probie." He blurted out, not knowing what else to say.

"He is and you make up names for him all the time, like McGoo and McGeegle and McGiggle." Abby chuckled. "And McNerd, McEgghead, McGullible."

"I think he gets it, Abby."

"McGeek."

"Abby!"

"What? I want him to remember, McGee, don't be such a McBuzzkill!" Abby quickly turned to Tony, she smiled, seeing if anything had jarred his memory.

Tony smiled back at her, "He, I mean, I guess me...I sounded like a nice guy."

"Oh, you can be an asshole, too." McGee retorted.

"McGee!"

----------------

Gibbs sat down next to Ziva as she sat in the waiting room, she was slouched over, her face in her hands. He patted her softly on the back, consoling her.

Ziva raised her head, looking at Gibbs, her face was red and puffy around her eyes, "I slapped him on the back of the head...I thought that would work, but...it did not. Maybe you can do it, maybe it will work for you?" Gibbs placed his arm around her shoulders, gently embracing her. "Maybe I should be happy, I was terrible to him, the things I said, did...and he always forgave me...why, why Gibbs?"

Gibbs leaned closer to Ziva, pressing his lips to her cheek, he whispered something into her ear. She closed her eyes as a single tear slowly started to tickle down her left cheek.

* * *

**Author note #1: Damn, it's cold!**

**Author note #2: Hot chocolate is tasty.**

**Author note #3: ...and even better with marshmallows!**


	3. Tonynapped

Abby was standing behind a seated Tony at her desk, "See." She said, pointing at the monitor, surveillance footage of Tony's accident was playing.

"That's me?" Tony asked, looking at himself in full Santa gear hanging onto the hood of a car.

"That's you." Abby smiled, "Wait, the best part is coming up, you're gonna fly into a Victoria's Secret. There's the shots and BOOM!" Abby exclaimed as Tony's body blasted through the window, landing on a winter wonderland display, "Thankfully it was covered in feathered pillows."

Several minutes pass, a sprinting Ziva ran through the broken window, she reappeared seconds later waving her hands frantically.

"She tried to wake you up, but..."

Tony pressed his finger to the monitor, "She looks scared."

"Don't tell her I told you this, but she was." Abby whispered, "Oh! I have something for you!"

Abby turned around, opening her drawer, grabbing a bag out, she closed the drawer and shook her head, "You made those scratches, you know?"

Tony turned around, looking at the drawer, he slightly shrugged his shoulders, "Sorry?"

Abby laughed, "It's okay, I got you, McGee and Palmer back for it." She handed Tony the bag.

Tony opened the bag, taking out his wallet and badge, he opened up his wallet, looking at his driver's license, "Anthony D. DiNozzo...what does the D mean?"

"Dunno." Abby answered, "Lets find out." She clicked Esc on her keyboard and started typing, Tony's birth certificate popped up, "Anthony Dio DiNozzo. Dio?" She laughed.

"What?"

"It means God in Italian."

"And that's funny?"

"No, but it all makes sense now." She laughed again, putting her hands on his shoulders, he was shaking, "Still not sleeping?"

"I'm okay. W-who are these?" Tony asked, pulling out photos from his wallet.

"Here, let me see." Abby reached around Tony, spreading the photos out, she sighed deeply seeing photos of Kate, Paula and Jenny, "Oh my God, you've been torturing yourself, Tony."

"What do you mean?"

Abby stood up, caressing the back of Tony's head with her hands as she gently kissed him on the top of the head, "Just old friends." She wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him, she looked down seeing a photo of herself, "Hey, I sent that to you when you were an Agent Afloat."

"Thanks, whatever that is."

Abby laughed, "No problem."

Tony slid Abby's photo away, revealing a photo of Ziva in a bikini.

"What's that?" Abby asked.

"I dunno, but suddenly my pants are considerably tighter."

Abby laughed, "There's the Tony I know and love." She turned her head, laying her cheek on the top of his head, but her joyous demeanor slowly disappeared, replaced with that of sadness.

-----------------

The elevator dinged notifying it's arrival, the doors opened with Gibbs storming out of the it..."Where is he?" He demanded, looking at Ziva and McGee sitting at their desks in the squad room.

Gibbs placed his hands on the edge of Ziva's desk, looking down at her. She was silent, his cold stare couldn't even make her talk. Gibbs slowly turned his head, but before he could take a step towards McGee, Tim was pointing towards the far elevator, "She just thought..."

Gibbs let out a deep sigh, "I should've known." He said, making his way to the elevator.

Ziva and McGee watched as the elevator doors closed.

"Has he remember anything?" McGee asked, swinging his head towards Ziva.

"I do not know."

"You went and got him, didn't you talk to him?"

"No."

McGee rose from his chair, taking a step towards Ziva's desk..."Uh, why not?"

"I was not in a talkative mood."

"Oh...I thought you would've caught up, since you..."

"Since what, McGee?"

"He's just been asking a lot of questions about you."

"It is hard for me...that is not Tony."

"You might have to face the facts, Ziva."

Ziva shot up from her chair, "What are you trying to say?"

McGee shrugged his shoulders, "He might not ever regain his memory."

"You're giving up on him?!"

"Aren't you?"

Ziva slowly sat back down, she placed her elbows on her desk top, lowering her face into her hands.

"Look." McGee said, moving to the front of Ziva's desk, "We all know he can be an ass."

"A big one."

McGee laughed, "Yeah...but why do we still miss him?"

Ziva shrugged her shoulders, not answering.

"Come on, there has to be something you miss."

"Yes." Ziva replied, "Him."

-----------------

Abby and Ducky watched Tony through a glass sliding door as he slept on a futon in Abby's ballistics's lab.

"Thanks, Ducky." Abby smiled, "The doctor said he hadn't been sleeping."

"Of course, my dear." Ducky smiled back, he saw that Abby was holding something, "What's that, Abigail?"

"Huh?" Abby expressed, "Oh, it's Tony's." She proclaimed, opening up a notebook, "He's been taking notes."

"About?"

"Us." Abby lifted the notebook, showing Ducky the first page.

"Abby Sciuto, dark haired (pigtails) woman in her late 20, early 30's, cute, smart and she's always smiling. She's very spunky, lots of energy and she likes to hug, a lot." Ducky read out-loud, ending with a chuckle, "It's like he never forgot you."

"Yeah." Abby laughed, "Wanna see what he wrote about you?"

"Sure." Ducky nodded.

Abby flipped over to the next page, Ducky's name was written neatly across the top of the page with the words, "Doctor Donald Mallard, Older male in his late 60's, Scottish, extremely intelligent, wear glasses and bow ties, likes to talk, a lot," written underneath, "That's definitely you, Ducky." Abby said.

"Now Gibbs." Ducky smirked.

Abby turned the page, seeing Gibbs name at the top and three words written under it, 'Grouchy and coffee.'

Abby and Ducky both laughed.

"ABBY!"

"Speak of the devil." Abby grinned, turning around seeing an angry Gibbs walking into her lab, "Hey Gibbs! Caf-Pow?"

Gibbs just glared at her.

"That's a no."

"What the hell were you thinking?" Gibbs asked.

"I had to Tonynap Tony, Gibbs, I couldn't let him sit in a hospital on Christmas and it's Christmas Eve's eve and Santa couldn't find him at the hospital, Gibbs, you know that...and don't be mad at Ziva, I made her do it."

"I doubt that."

"Really, I did, I twisted her arm and everything."

"Abby." Gibbs sighed, "He has to go back."

"No, Gibbs! He's one of us, he deserves better than that hospital."

"Where's he gonna stay, Abby? With you? Aren't you going to New Orleans tomorrow?"

"If I have to, yes."

"Come on, Abby, be realistic."

Abby gritted her teeth, "You?"

"No, Abby."

"Come on, Gibbs. Please. He needs you."

Gibbs reached out, taking the notebook from Abby, "He needs, 'grouchy and coffee'?"

"No, he needs a dad."

Gibbs shook his head, flinging the notebook behind him, "I'm not his dad!"

"No, but you're the closest thing he's got, Gibbs! Don't you understand that? His dad wants nothing to do with him, it took me and McGee 3 days to find him in Hong Kong, but that bastard isn't coming!"

Gibbs just looked at Abby, saddened, "I can't."

"Why won't you help him, Gibbs?!"

"Stop!" Ziva called out, kneeling in the doorway, she was holding Tony's notebook, "He has already lost one child, Abby...and he feels like he is losing another." She stated, looking at Tony's notebook "I will take him, I owe him." She held the book out, it was turned to her page, there was a huge question mark drawn all over the page with the words, 'I think she hates me,' circled many, many times on it.

----------------


	4. Why Do Men Suck?

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! :)

* * *

Tony followed Ziva down a long hallway, she stopped, reaching into her coat pocket, she pulled out a set of keys, shaking them in her hand, finding the correct key. She slid the key into the deadbolt lock and opened it, moving inside.

Tony moved to the doorway, peeking inside. Ziva was nowhere in sight, "Hello?" He stepped inside, closing the door behind him. He looked around, he was surprised, it was clean, nearly empty and it severely lacked a woman's touch. The living room consisted of a large LCD television, a sturdy, dark-stained wooden coffee table, a black recliner and couch and a large black cabinet packed with what to looked like thousands of DVD's, "Uhh."

"What's wrong?" Ziva asked, appearing out of a hallway, "You remember anything?"

"Uh, no, I was just expecting your place to look different."

"What?" Ziva looked around the room and laughed, "This is your place, Tony."

"Oh...uh." Tony quickly smacked himself on the back of head and moved over to the cabinet and started surveying the rows and rows of DVDs.

"Why did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Slap yourself on the head."

Tony shrugged his shoulders, "No idea, just felt like the right thing to do, why?"

Ziva smiled, "Just wondering, do you..."

"I like movies, huh? I sure have a lot of them."

"Like?" Ziva scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"What?"

"You can quote any movie, Tony. ANY."

"I can?"

"It's annoying."

Tony turned his head away from her, "Sorry."

"Tony." Ziva sighed, "I was joking."

Tony shrugged his shoulders.

"Look, while I'm gone, look around, pack a few things."

"What? You're leaving?" Tony's head shot around, looking at Ziva.

"Yes, for a little awhile...I need to get a few things, I was not expecting company."

"Oh...okay, but..."

"I will be back." Ziva slipped past Tony.

Tony reached out, grabbing Ziva's hand, "Ziva."

Ziva turned, looking at Tony's hand holding hers, then up at his face, "What is it?"

Tony wrapped his arms around her, giving her a hug, but quickly pulled away, backing away from her. Ziva just stood there, her arms glued to her sides, "S-sorry...I, I guess I've been spending too much time with Abby."

"Why do you think I hate you?" Ziva abruptly asked.

"W-what?"

"I read your notebook, tell me, why do I hate you?"

Tony shrugged his shoulders again.

"Come on, tell me."

"Oh, I dunno, you're my partner and this is the longest conversation we've had since my accident...no words, not a single word for over a week and every time I look at you, you look away and then theres..."

"I don't hate you, Tony, you are..."

"What, a burden?! Believe me, I know and I know I did something to you, and I...I..." Tears started to stream down Tony's face, "I would give anything to able to remember it, so I could make it right, fix it, but I can't remember and I hate myself for it!"

"There's nothing to fix, you didn't do anything wrong, Tony." Ziva pleaded, taking a step towards him, "You can believe me."

"How can I? Look at me, outside of work, not one call, not one letter, email, nothing...not a god damn soul cares about me...hell, Abby didn't want me to know, but I over heard; my father won't even come visit me." Tony lowered his head, shaking it, "Jeez, how big of an asshole am I if my own father doesn't want to see?"

Ziva stepped to Tony, slapping him across the face, "Shut up!" She pulled her hand back, realizing what she had done, she raised her hands out, trying to comfort Tony, but he backed away, raising his hands into a defensive manner, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit you, it's just that, don't say things like that, people care about you."

"Yeah? Like who?"

Ziva clinched her fists, but instead of hitting Tony she moved to the door, "ME!" She opened and slammed it so hard some of the plaster above the door fell off the wall. She hurried down the hall and made it outside, she stopped next to her car, she leaned forward against her car, her face in her hands.

"Are you okay, Sweetie?" An older woman's voice called out.

Ziva turned, seeing a bundled up woman, holding a little dog, she sighed, "Why do men suck?"

"That's not the question you need to be asking yourself, Sweetie."

Ziva squinted at her, "What do you mean?"

"You need to ask yourself, 'why do you love this man and is he WORTH it?'"

"Who says I love this man?"

The woman smiled, "Good luck, Sweetie." She took a few steps away, but stopped, turning back towards Ziva, "Oh, in my experience, a man sucking is never a bad thing."

Ziva started to open her mouth, but couldn't seem to think of anything to say. The woman waved and waddled happily away, bringing about a much needed chuckle from Ziva's lips.

Ziva looked up at front door of Tony's apartment building and just smile. She pushed herself off of her car and raced back to the door, flinging it open, she ran down the hallway to Tony's door and went to knock, but saw that the door was open, she pushed the door open, "Hello? Your door was open. Tony?" But there was no answer, she searched throughout the apartment, but he wasn't there, "TONY?!" She called out in a panic, "Where are you?!"

* * *

Author Note #1 - Lingerie shopping is harder than you'd think ;)

Author Note #2 - Wrapping stuff sucks...

Author Note #3 - But seeing the look on their faces when they open it, complete and total awesomeness.

Author Note #4 - Squirrel!


	5. Some Things You Never Forget

Okay, I've been sick and on medication, including something new for insomnia, so let the reader beware, I have no idea how this is going to turn out. The only thing I know is that its long and has some sexual moments, so...good luck!

* * *

"What's with all the yelling?" A female voice called out, before appearing in the doorway to Tony's apartment, "Oh, it's you." A older woman in a fluffy light blue housecoat remarked, seeing Ziva.

"Mrs. Jenkins!" Ziva exclaimed, "Have you see Tony?"

The woman turned, moving out of the doorway not saying a word.

"Mrs. Jenkins?" Ziva cocked her head, looking perplexed, "Hello?"

There was no answer.

"What a bitch."

"I heard that, too." Mrs. Jenkins said.

"Good!" Ziva roared back, she raised her hands to her mouth, composing herself, "Okay, I'm Tony, where would I go? Wait, he's not Tony, oh God, Gibbs and Abby are going to kill me!"

Ziva grasped her hair with her fingers tightly, letting out a deep, frustrated groan before running to the door, she smiled as she slammed the door shut and ran past Mrs. Jenkin's door. She turned the corner at top speed, ramming into something hard with her shoulder, she lost her balance falling forward, she looked up, brushing the hair from her face seeing Tony laying under her, "TONY!" She said joyfully.

Tony grunted hard.

"Where have you been?!" Ziva angrily questioned.

"Get off." Tony said in a strained voice.

Ziva looked at the agony on Tony's face, "What happened? Who hurt you?"

"Your knee." Tony strained, "My balls."

Ziva looked down, her knee was firmly planted into Tony's crotch, "That's what you get for running away!"

Tony just looked at her in bewilderment, "I just took out the trash." He uttered in pain.

"Oh." Ziva gnashed her teeth together and leaned back, moving to a squatting position.

Tony's head fell back, letting out a sigh of relief.

"Why did you leave your door open? You scared me!"

"You have my keys." Tony sat up and answered.

"Sure, use logic on me! But there are people out there who want to hurt you!"

"Why are you yelling at me?"

"I don't know!" Ziva yelled, "Sorry!" She yelled again.

"What do you mean, there are a lot of people out there who want to hurt me?"

"It's not important."

"Me getting hurt isn't important?"

"Don't worry about it."

"I wasn't worried until you mentioned someone wants me hurt...who wants me hurt?"

"You're a federal agent, Tony, you've killed people, sometimes people take revenge, you know?"

"That doesn't make me feel any better, Ziva."

"I will not let anyone hurt you, Tony." Ziva smiled, trying to comfort him, "Okay?"

"Uh." Tony cleared his throat.

"What?"

Tony eyes moved downward, "Ummm."

"What?!" Ziva repeated, she looked at Tony and saw he was looking at something, she followed his eyes and gasped, her right hand was slowly massaging his crotch, she quickly pulled her hand away, putting it behind her back, she jumped to her feet and turned away from Tony, embarrassed.

"Heh. Don't worry about it."

Ziva looked at Tony, "I did not..."

Tony leaned forward, "Believe me, if I had to have someone grope me, I'm glad it was you."

Ziva snorted, "Thanks, I guess...wait, what kind of a girl do you think I am?"

Tony just smiled at her.

Ziva shook her head, "Never mind." She offered him her hand.

"I'm not touching that, I know where it's been." He jokingly said with a smile.

Ziva rolled her eyes as she started to pull her hand away.

Tony grabbed her hand and she helped him up, "Why are you back so quickly anyway?"

"Uh." Ziva pondered, "I wanted to see what kind of ice cream you liked, yes?"

"We're suppose to get 12 inches of snow tonight and you want ice cream?"

"Uh, yes, I want ice cream, do you have a problem with that?"

"Nope."

"Good." Ziva slid past Tony, making her way towards the entrance of the apartment complex.

"Uh, Ziva."

Ziva turned, looking back at Tony, "Yes?"

"I thought you wanted to know my favorite ice cream?"

"I already know, Tony." Ziva replied.

"Then why did you...oh, never mind."

Ziva turned to leave again.

"Ziva."

Ziva turned back, "Now what?" She said, getting annoyed.

"Can I have my keys?"

"What?"

"Keys, you know, so I can get into my apartment."

"Oh, yes." Ziva dug into her coat pocket, pulling out his keys, she looked at them and found his apartment key, holding it up so he could see it, "This is the key."

Tony took his keys from Ziva, "Thanks." He said with a smile.

Ziva smiled back, "Do NOT go anywhere, I will KILL you."

Tony laughed, "I love you, too."

"Ahh, sarcasm, yes?" Ziva smirked, "Seriously, do not leave."

"What if the apartment catches fire?"

"Tony." Ziva groaned.

"Fine, I promise. Even if I'm on fire, I won't leave, I'll just open a window and hope the snow puts me out."

Ziva laughed, "You are such an..."

"Idiot?" Tony grinned.

"No, you're what Gibbs said you were, simply: DiNozzo." Ziva moved over to Tony, kissing him on the cheek, "Stay!" She laughed again before finally leaving.

---------------

Ziva sat down a brown paper sack on the floor next to Tony's apartment door, she shook her head, sending snowing everywhere, she knocked on the door, "It's me." The door slowly opened, Tony stood in front of her wearing a black suit with an untied red tie hanging around his neck, she just stared at him.

"What?"

Ziva picked up the bag, stepping inside, kicking the door closed behind her, "Why are you wearing a suit?" She asked, putting the bag on the coffee table.

Tony shrugged, "After I took a shower, I got to looking around and it just felt like the thing to do, except..."

"Except?" Ziva wondered.

"It seems I've forgotten how to tie a tie."

"Let me." Ziva volunteered, she stepped over to him, taking his tie in her hands, "You know, you haven't worn a tie in ages."

"Really? I have a ton of them."

"You use to wear them all the time." Ziva lifted the collar on Tony's suit, she lined the tie up and pulled the wide part down the front of his chest, she wrapped it around the skinny part of his tie, making a knot, "There." She smiled, folding his collar down, running her hand along the length of his tie, "Much better, I've missed you in ties."

"Why did I stop wearing them?"

"I do not know, I was not there."

"What do you mean?"

Ziva patted his chest, "Too long of story, are you hungry?"

"I packed, are you ready to go?"

"The streets are too bad, I think we are going to have to stay here tonight."

"Oh..."

"What's wrong? You look...disappointed."

Tony shrugged, "Nothing really, well...I guess I was looking forward to seeing your apartment, that's all."

"Maybe tomorrow, huh?" Ziva smiled, "Hey, I got pizza."

"Sounds good."

"Pepperoni, sausage and extra cheese."

"And the ice cream?"

"Are you kidding, it's freezing outside!"

"Heh."

"What?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

----------------

Tony and Ziva sat next to each other watching the end of Frosty the Snowman. He leaned up, grabbing the remote control from the coffee table and turned off the television.

Ziva turned her head, "Tired?"

"Nope." Tony rose from the couch, "I'm gonna build a snowman."

"Okay." Ziva said, but quickly sat up, "What?!"

Tony grabbed his coat on his way out the door, Ziva grabbed her boots, hopping on one foot trying to put them on, but stumbled, falling to the ground, "Wait!" She yelled, sliding on her boots. She shot up from the floor and followed him out the door, she pushed her way through the front door of the apartment complex door and was met with a snowball to the chest. She raised her hands, "What the hell?!"

"Heh. Gotcha!"

Ziva knelt down, grabbing a fistfull of snow, squeezing it in her hand, she reared back her arm, launching it at Tony. She raised her hands up to her face as the snowball connected with Tony's face.

Tony just laughed as snow trickled off his face, "Nice throw, now come and help me."

Ziva looked at Tony as he gathered a massive amount of snow between his arm, squeezing it against his chest, he then laid it on the snow and started rolling it.

"Tony, you do know you are making a snowman on a sidewalk, yes?"

"Snow is snow, Zee-vah! Heh."

Ziva shook her head, "Fine, I will help you." She moved over to him, helping him with his snowman.

They made the first ball of snow, then the second, the concrete sidewalk in front of his apartment was nearly all visible, "Almost done!" He cheered.

"Why are we doing this?"

"I remember, Ziva."

"What?" Ziva scurried over to Tony, but didn't see one of the massive snowballs on the sidewalk, tripping over it, Tony grabbed her, falling backwards, softening her fall.

Tony laughed, his hair dusted with snow, "What's with you and landing on me today?."

"Consider yourself luck." Ziva's head was against Tony's chest, she looked up at him, "You said you remembered?"

"Yeah." Tony replied, "I was 9, my dad and I were watching Frosty the Snowman and we went out in the front yard and made a snowman, we had a really good time. Mom was mad at us both when we got back inside, preachin' we're gonna catch pneumonia or worse."

Ziva smiled, "Do you remember anything else?"

Tony looked down at her, "Sorry."

Ziva nodded, "It is okay." Ziva placed her head back on Tony's chest, but quickly grabbed a handful of snow, tossing it into his face, "GOTCHA!"

Ziva tried to retreat, but Tony grabbed onto the back of her pants pulling her back to him, he shoveled a handful of snow down the back of her pants. A grinning Tony watched in delight as she hopped and down trying to get all the snow out, "I dub thee, snow ass." He said with a huge grin.

Ziva turned, looking pissed.

"Ok, time to go." Tony jumped to his feet and ran away from Ziva as she started chasing him, he started laughing hysterically, "Gives new meaning to the word, 'icehole!'"

"You better keep running, Tony!"

"Oh, come on, I'm sure your red hot buns have already melted it!" Ziva jumped on the hood of her car, he looked up, "I think that's cheating." Ziva let out a primal roar as she leaped towards him, "Oh, that's definitely cheating!"

Ziva landed on top of Tony, laughing as she stuffed snow down the front of his pants. She leaned down, her mouth inches from his, "I believe they call that...'cold cocked,' yes?" She grinned, relishing in her victory.

------------------

Tony stood outside of the bathroom door, "You can have the bed, I'll take couch."

"Why?" Ziva replied, she lowered herself into the hot bubblebath, "We have slept in the same bed together."

"We have?"

"Yes, many times."

"Are you sure? I don't mind sleeping on the couch, it's better than a cot."

"Yes, Tony."

"Okay, hey, I'm gonna make some cocoa, you want anything?"

Ziva splashed the water over her stomach and breasts, "Some tea would be nice. Thank you."

"Sure, no problem." He turned, walking gingerly towards the kitchen, showing the effects of the snow in his pants.

Ziva reached out with her foot turning off the tub's faucet, she looked to her right seeing a bottle of body wash, she picked it up and opened it, breathing in. She closed her eyes and let out a sweet sigh.

Ziva squeezed on the bottle, but nothing came out. She shook it hard and as a result the cap popped off leaving a huge glob of soap on her stomach, "Oops." She giggled. She let go of the bottle and slowly started to rub her stomach in a large circle with both hands, very slowly. She slid her hands up, cupping her breasts and let out a small moan as she found her nipples, touching them everso softly. She smiled and glided her hands down her stomach, dipping below her navel. She gasped as she started to rub her clitoris, "Oh, Tony." She moaned, her fingers traveled deeper, further pleasuring herself, her moaning became deeper, her breathing heavied, her entire body started to quiver.

Tony walked up to the bathroom door holding two steaming hot cups, "Ziva?" He whispered, "Do you want your tea now?"

"I'm cumming, Tony, I'm cumming." Ziva moaned.

"Did you say come in, Ziva?" Tony asked, not hearing exactly what she said, he cradled both drinks in his left hand and turned the handle, opening the door. He stepped inside, he froze, mesmerized by Ziva's intense orgasm, his mind lost all track of meaning until he spilled one of hot beverages on his hand, "Ow, shit!"

Ziva opened her eyes, turning her head towards Tony, she tried to speak, but couldn't.

"Oh, God, I'm...well, your tea? Right, later, ummm." Tony babbled, "Okay then, I'll let you get back to what you were doing. Sorry." He gritted his teeth and quickly left.

Ziva slipped down the tub, trying to hide, the only things above water were her eyes and nose, she gasped as water poured into her mouth, she blew hard, sending water and soap bubbles into the air, revelling in her orgasm, but also embarrassed by it.

* * *

Author Note #1 - Today's insomnia medication is "Trazodone," whatever that is.

Author Note #2 - There's nothing worse than visiting McDonalds at 3 am and realizing they are no longer serving double cheeseburgers. You McSuck!

Author Note #3 - Does anything look good in yellow? Honestly?

Author Note #4 - Bananas! In! Pajamas!


	6. Pillow Talk

Tony grabbed a pillow from his bed, he turned to leave, the wet-haired Ziva blocked the doorway wearing one of his shirts, it hung past her knees, "What are you doing?" She asked.

Tony pointed towards the door, "I'm gonna go sleep on the couch."

"Absolutely not." Ziva stated, "And thank you for the shirt."

Tony nodded and just stood there as Ziva walked around to the opposite side of the bed, she tossed back the covers. He turned around, looking at her as she climbed into bed, the opening of his shirt hung low on her neck, he could see her small, cute, perky breasts, he couldn't help but smile.

"What is that smile about?" Ziva inquired, "Never mind, get into bed." She tossed back the coverings on Tony's side and patted the bed.

Tony moved over to the light switch, flipping it off before getting into bed.

Tony and Ziva laid in bed, both looking up at the ceiling, finally after about ten minutes, she turned over, breaking the serious awkwardness in the room, "Okay, do your worst."

"Do your worst?" Tony slightly turned his head, "About what?"

"About what?! Are you kidding me? You just caught me..." Ziva sighed.

Tony turned over to his side, facing Ziva, "Hey, it's okay, there's nothing to say."

"Come on, I am literally dying here!" Ziva uttered in embarrassment.

"Well, you have very nice form." Tony retorted.

Ziva glimpsed up at Tony's face, he was grinning from ear to ear, she snorted and started laughing, she moved her hands up to her face and tried to muffle her laughter.

"It's true." Tony egged her on, "If masturbating was in the Olympics, you would've taken the gold!"

"Stop it!" Ziva called out through her laughs.

"If it makes you feel better, you can watch me do it."

Ziva's laughter quickly died down, she lifted her hands slightly from her face, "W-what?"

"It seems only fair." Tony said, he fell back to his back and started pulling on the string of his sweat pants.

Ziva sat up, "What are you doing?" She placed her left hand on Tony's hands, "Two wrongs do not make a right."

Tony looked up at her, "You sure? It would only take about a minute."

Ziva laughed, shaking her head, "You are a silly, silly man." She pulled her hand away from Tony's hands and laid back down. She lied quietly for about five minutes, "Really? You would do that? Really?" She said with enthusiasm in her voice. She sat back up, "Okay, do..."

A snore escaped from Tony's lips. Ziva let out a wry smile, "Maybe some other time, yes?" She leaned down, kissing him softly on the lips, "Laila tov."

* * *

The elevator dinged, Ziva stepped off into the squad room.

"Good morning." Gibbs bellowed, "Just you and me today...where's Tony?"

"I left him at his place."

Gibbs took a large swig of his coffee, "You think that's a good idea?"

"He will be okay, he's starting to remember things." Ziva stated with a smile.

Gibbs went to take another drink of his coffee, but stopped, "What does he remember?"

"Memories of his mom and dad as a child and he has started to act like Tony again, his humor is coming back, his silliness, you know, what makes him, him."

"Good, hopefully he remembers everything soon, I can't hold off Vance for much longer."

"What do you mean, 'hold off Vance?' what is going on?"

"He's going to pull Tony's credentials, categorize him as permanently unfit for duty, he'll never work in law enforcement again."

"Why would he do that?" Ziva asked.

"I guess you haven't noticed, Vance doesn't like guys like me and DiNozzo, I guess we're a dying breed...hell, I'd watch your back, too."

Ziva looked up at the balcony.

"Come on, we got a snowball fight gone awry."

Ziva clinched her teeth tightly, "Ha-ha, that's a crime now?"

"It is when a Corporal gets killed in one." Gibbs replied, making his way to the elevator.

"Ahh, I see." Ziva understood and quickly followed Gibbs.

* * *

Ziva sat in her Mini Cooper in front of Tony's apartment, she leaned over opening the glove compartment and pulled out a gold wrapped present with a red bow attached. She held it for a few seconds thinking of what to do with it. She opened her coat and slipped the box inside. She zipped up her coat as she got out of her car and made her way into the apartment complex. She walked up to Tony's door, a pleasant scent filled her nose, she turned the doorknob and moved inside, "Tony?" She looked around, seeing Tony walk by the kitchen doorway wearing some kind of apron, "Tony?"

Tony appeared in the doorway, "Hey."

"Did you leave the apartment?" Ziva asked, walking over to him.

Tony took a step back, "Yeah, I went to the store."

Ziva stepped into the kitchen, she looked at the stove, "Are you baking?"

"Yeah, pie."

"Pie? You're baking pie?"

"Two of them actually."

"Your making pies? Tony DiNozzo is baking? Baking pies?"

"Yeah, so?"

Ziva sighed, "I'm never getting the old Tony back." She whispered.

"What was that?" Tony asked, sliding his way over to her.

"Nothing." Ziva forced out a smile.

Tony pressed his lips against hers and held them there for a few seconds before pulling away, he smiled, "Heh. Sorry, I had to, it's a rule."

Ziva just stood there stunned, "W-w...huh?" Tony pointed up, she squinted at him, but looked up seeing a mistletoe hanging above her head, "You do know, I'm Jewish, yes?"

"I won't tell the mistletoe if you won't." He smirked.

Ziva laughed, she looked at the table, "Are those sufganiyot?" She examined the pastries more closely, "They there! My favorite!"

"Yeah, I went to a Jewish bakery, it seems I did quite a bit of searching for Jewish items on my computer in the past." Tony said, he turned seeing powdered sugar on Ziva's nose and lips, "Heh."

"What?" Ziva said, acting innocent, trying to hide her chewing.

"Go ahead, eat them all if you want, I bought them for you."

Ziva shoved another jelly donut into her mouth, her eyes opened wide as she swallowed, "Please tell me you did not buy Gefilte fish."

"Nope. Turkey."

"Oh, thank God." Ziva laughed, "I HATE Gefilte fish." She spun around seeing Tony looking into his oven, she shook her head, "I can not believe you are baking, it is..."

"What?"

"Weird! You told me once you burned instant chocolate pudding."

Tony tilted his head to the side, looking at her oddly, "Come again?"

"Exactly!"

"Heh." Tony shrugged his shoulders, "I just thought it would be nice to have a good meal, kind of a thank you and uh..."

"You do not have to thank me, Tony."

"It's just that, I still don't know."

Ziva stepped over to Tony, "In due time, in due time." She moved over to the counter, looking through several grocery bags, "What else are we having? Can I help?"

* * *

"So, we are having turkey, rolls, mashed potatoes..."

"Gravy." Tony added.

"Yes, we can not forget the gravy." Ziva agreed as they lied in bed together, "And I will made some kugel."

"What's that?"

Ziva turned over to her side, wearing the same shirt from the night before, "It is, well, imagine a savory bread pudding, but I could make it sweet with cinnamon and sugar."

"Sounds good either way."

"It is...and then there are your pies...oh, we have to have peas, I like the way they look when they are mixed with my mashed potatoes."

"Heh. You like that, too?"

Ziva slid over, placing her head on Tony's chest, but lifted her head, "Sorry."

"It's okay, you can use me as a pillow anytime you want. Heh."

Ziva lowered her head back to her pillow and closed her eyes, "Good night, Tony"

"Good night, Ziva." Tony replied, closing his eyes, "Last one asleep gets to listen to the other one snore." He joked.

Ziva opened her eyes and smiled, before re-closing them, "I do not snore." She chuckled.


	7. Good Christmas Head

This is the final chapter of this story, I hope you enjoy it...as always, I think it sucks, but thanks for reading. I love you guys!

Warning, filled with lots of stuff, gross out humor, hummers, and I don't mean the gas guzzler that is made by my former employer who can kiss my ass and oh yeah, cave exploration of the DiNozzo-kind.

* * *

Ziva awoke suddenly, lifting her head with a groan, she extended her arm outward towards Tony's side of the bed, but he wasn't there, She turned over to a sitting position, her eyelids heavy, looking groggy. A light flickered through the small opening in the bedroom door. She pulled back the bed coverings and slid out of the bed, setting her feet on the floor. She grabbed the blanket from the bed and made her way to the door, slowly opening it.

"I know...heh, yeah, but it's more like she's taking care of me, ya know?...what?" Tony laughed, sitting in his recliner talking on the phone, "Don't be too shocked, all I did was take them out of a box and put 'em in the oven....heh, yeah." Ziva walked over to Tony, climbing into his lap, she wrapped herself in the blanket and curled up next to him, placing her head on his chest, "Hey, uh, I have to go, okay?...Merry Christmas to you, too, Abby...yeah, bye." He hung up the phone, setting it down on the arm of the chair, "Hey...you okay?"

Ziva rubbed her head slowly against Tony's chest, "Just cold."

"I can turn up the thermostat." Tony attempted to get up.

"No." Ziva said, looking up at Tony, "Stay."

"Okay." Tony whispered, he slid his arm around Ziva, holding her tightly.

----------------

Ziva's eyes fluttered, stirring from her deep slumber. She yawned, smacking her lips together and turned her face, rubbing it against Tony's chest. She looked up at him, he was smiling at her, "Sleep well?"

Ziva leaned away from Tony, stretching, "How long have I been here?"

"About 4 hours."

Ziva opened her eyes wide, "You have been sitting there for 4 hours, just holding me?"

"Heh. You told me to stay."

Ziva smiled, "Okay, I have to go." She said, untangling herself from the blanket.

"You have to work today?"

"No, I have to pee." Ziva chuckled, shuffling towards the bathroom, "Then maybe a hot shower."

"Heh." Tony grinned, "Lock the door this time!"

-----------------

Ziva walked into the living room drying her hair with a towel, still wearing Tony's t-shirt, she lowered the towel around her neck not seeing Tony, "Hello?"

"I'm in the kitchen." Tony called out.

Ziva moved to the kitchen doorway, "What are you doing?" Tony turned around, his hands were covered in a white substance, "Hey, you said you would let me watch!"

"Come again?" Tony asked confused.

Ziva laughed, making Tony look even more confused, she stepped to the side, getting a better view, "Well...darn!" She exclaimed, seeing the turkey covered in butter.

"What, you don't like turkey?"

"Oh, no, I just thought it was something else."

"Huh? What did you think it was?"

Ziva laughed harder, "Never mind."

Tony shrugged his shoulders and turned to the kitchen sink, he looked at faucet, then at his hands, "Ummm." He looked back to Ziva, holding up his hands, "Heh. It seems I'm in quite the nasty predicament."

Ziva rolled her eyes and moved to the sink, turning on the water, she spun back, taking Tony by the wrists, "You are like a child, you know that?" She took his hands and placed them under the water, squirting liquid soap all over them and slowly rubbed at his hands. She shook her head at how much butter was on his hand, "Just like a man, always over doing it."

Tony took a hold of Ziva's hands, "So, what am I...a man or a child, hmm?" She looked up at him, their eyes met, he smiled and tilted his head down, kissing her. He eased back, slightly rotating his head away from her, "Sorry."

Ziva aggressively pulled Tony's head back towards her, kissing him with all her might. He responded by lifting her, sitting her on the edge of the sink, sliding his body between her legs. She moved her hands down to his pants, her fingers working feverishly as they continued to kiss.

Tony took a fist of her hair, tugging, she let out a whimper as he devoured the side of her neck. Her hands slid down the front of his pants, she pulled hard, snapping the button off and breaking the zipper. He looked down, then back at her, "Heh."

Ziva wrapped one arm around his neck, kissing him, her other hand capture his hardness, her fingertips teased along his length.

Tony reached back, pushing her legs up, his hands caressing beneath her knees as she slowly started to kneel, "Where are you going?" Ziva asked with a smile.

Tony raised his head, giving her quick kiss, "Spelunking." He grinned and quickly fell to his knees, pulling her shirt over her head.

Ziva pulled on the collar of her shirt, gazing downward, "Wha...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." She gasped hard. Her eyes slammed shut, letting out a series of lite moans, her arms shot back, searching for anything to brace herself with. She arched her back, pushing against the wall with her hands, her breathing heavied as she got closer and closer. Her entire body started to shake, her eyes opened and let out a roar of primal bliss.

Tony rose from his feast, he kissed her, letting Ziva taste her sweetness, her eyes closed, reveling in her orgasm. He ran his hand under the still running water, pushing back her hair, splashing water over her face and neck, before kissing her again. He pulled her close to his chest and like instinct, she wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck the best she could. He reached out, turning off the water and twisted away from the sink, seeing the raw poultry on the counter, "Sorry, Butterball, I've got other stuffings to attend to." A smirking Tony announced, carrying Ziva out of the kitchen.

* * *

Tony slipped out of his sweat pants, sliding into bed. Ziva was facing away from him laying on her side. He pressed his chest against her back, cuddling with her. He buried his nose into her hair, taking a deep breath. He pulled away hearing her sniffling, "Ziva...are you crying?" He brushed her hair behind her ear, "What's wrong?"

"No." Ziva answered, crying.

"Jeez, was I THAT bad?"

Ziva tilted her head slightly towards Tony, "My legs do not work, Tony, what does that tell you?"

"Heh. Jelly legs." Tony smirked, but that quickly faded away, seeing that wasn't the problem. He placed his hand on her shoulder, "Then what's wrong, baby? Talk to me."

"I..." Ziva turned over to her back, "I-I...I just feel like I cheated on you with you."

"H-huh?"

"Do you know why I did not talk to you for over a week?"

"No, tell me."

"The day before the accident, you and I..."

"Made love."

Ziva turned, facing Tony and smiled, "You remember?"

Tony wiped away her tears, "No." He pressed his lips to her forehead, then gently on the lips, "I felt it." He moved his hand to his heart, "Here." He started to move his hand down more when she laughed.

"There, too, yes?" She smiled.

"Heh. And I know you don't celebrate Christmas, but I have a Chris, umm, Hannnuuuumas gift for you?" He said, gritting his teeth.

"Just give me the damn present already!" She smirked and sat up, covering her top with the bed coverings.

"Ahh, I don't get to see boobies?"

Ziva rolled her eyes, but quickly flashed him, "Happy?"

"Heh." Tony turned over, grabbing something from his nightstand drawer, he swung back, holding out a small black jewelry box to her.

Ziva took the box from Tony, "What is it?"

"Open it and find out, Sweet Cheeks!" He grinned.

"This better not be a condom, Tony." She laughed.

"A little late for that, isn't it? Heh." He moved closer to her, kissing her on the ear, "I hope you like it."

Ziva lifted the lid on the box, revealing a gold Star of David necklace, she pulled it out of the box and just stared at it.

"I think there's something written on the back." Tony pointed at the necklace.

Ziva flipped the necklace over and read the inscription, "My Goddess of Israel. Love, Tony." She turned her head away from Tony.

Tony put his arm around her, pulling her close to him, "See..."

Ziva turned to him, tears in her eyes, "See what?"

Tony kissed her sweetly on the lips, "I, Tony, love you."

Ziva's lower lip quivered, she swallowed hard, "Sorry."

"Shhh." Tony brought her head to his chest, holding her tightly, "For what?"

"Ever doubting you." Ziva lifted her head, she turn, moving onto her knees, kissing him with all her love, "I love you, too." She pulled back and smiled at him, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks, she wiped away her tears and under her nose, she sniffed a couple times, "What's that?"

"The smell of love?" Tony guessed.

"No." Ziva sniffed again, "Turkey?"

"Oh, yeah, when you dashed off to the bathroom about two hours ago, I went and put it in the oven. I just the basted our fine de-feathered friend, as a matter of fact."

Ziva just stared at Tony and slowly started shaking her head.

"What?"

"You are..."

"I'm what?"

"Handsome, sexy, smart, silly, funny, caring, an idiot at times...but you're mine. All mine." She leaned forward, cupping his face with her palms, kissing him softly on the lips.

"That's it?"

Ziva pulled back, "Well, you have a giant penis."

"Heh. Why didn't you start out with that?" Tony laughed, "Thought it would go to my head, huh?"

Ziva smiled devilishly, "Speaking of..." She disappeared under the covers.

"This is definitely." Tony scooted his butt down, moving to a slouching position as the covers started to bob up in down in front of him. He smiled huge, "Good Christmas head."

* * *

Mrs. Jenkin smacked a broom's handle against the wall four times, "Damn heathens!" She sat the broom down, leaning it against the arm of her chair.

Moments later there was a knock at the door, she grunted getting up from her chair and slowly made her way over to the door, she looked through the peephole seeing something blue with dark hair. She unlocked the locked, leaving the chain intact, she opened the door. Ziva turned around, wrapped in her coat, "Oh, it's you."

"Yes, it is me, Mrs. Jenkins."

"What you three are doing over there is an abombination."

Ziva cocked her head to the side, "Three?"

"Your vagina is a cess pool, Missy! You're not married, yet you have two lovers, Tony and the other fella, Ken."

"My vagina is a what?!" Ziva started to get upset.

"A cess pool, the devil's playground!"

"First of all, my vagina is not the devil's playground, some consider it heaven, if you must know! Secondly, Ken means YES in Hebrew and finally, FUCK YOU, lady! And to think, I was coming over to apologize!" Ziva yelled and started muttering in Hebrew as she walked back to Tony's apartment, she stepped inside, walking into the bedroom, "You have to move, Tony."

"Uh, what happened?"

Ziva sighed, "Nothing." She started to take off her coat when her present to Tony fell out of her inside coat pocket.

"What's that?" Tony asked as Ziva picked up the box and opened it, there was a tiny pair of black panties inside, "Uh, I don't think they'll fit me, Ziva." He said smugly.

Ziva dropped her coat, she stood in front of the bed completely naked, she spun around and bent over, stepping into the panties, she looked back, seeing Tony's reaction, "Oooooh." He expressed with overwhelming joy. She shook her butt teasing him and sensually began to slide the panties up her legs, stopping and posing at her knees and thighs, until they were perfectly placed on her hips.

Ziva turned around, smiling, "Like, yes?"

"Best. Christmas. Present. Ever." He held his arms out to her, "Only thing better will be watching you take them off. Heh."

Ziva climbed onto the bed and crawled up his body, letting the silk of her panties tease his skin, "Tony." She moaned, turning around, backing into him, slowly grinding against his crotch, "Can we do something special?" She whispered.

Tony placed his hands on her hips, she covered his hands with hers, lifting them to her breasts, "Anything you want." He whispered back.

"Good." Ziva gestured towards Mrs. Jenkins apartment, "Do me against that wall." Ziva laughed maniacally.

* * *

And yes, the turkey was delicious....as were the pies and the kugal? Ziva never made it, she had better things to do.

THE END

Don't you love it when there's a scene after the credits roll?

Tony never fully regained his memory, his dad never showed up, but I heard he looks like Robert Wagner and oh yeah, Tony and Ziva got married, then divorce, then married, then divorced a grand total of 4 times. They had 4 children, each one of them in the new marriage, they're divorced now, but be on the lookout for marriage and baby #5 and child #3 finally figured out how Gibbs got his boat out of his basement. He's not allow in the basement anymore.

* * *

Author Note #1 - McDonald's hotcakes ain't too bad!

Author Note #2 - Sex is awesome, especially with someone else!

Author Note #3 - Insonmia still sucks.

Author Note #4 - Tony and Ziva should just fuck and get it over with!


	8. Tickle the Pickle

DiNozzo here, long time no talk or read, which ever you prefer.

Thought I'd drop by to shoot the shit for a bit. So, how's it going? Good to hear!

Guess what? Ziva's pregnant again! Heh. What can I say, she loves the secret sauce!

And now to answer some questions...

No, I didn't retain my job at NCIS. I was let go with a sizeable early retirement package, seeing how I was hurt on the job. Disability FTW!

I love money! But so do babies and we have a ton of them and of course, whenever Ziva and I get divorced, she takes half. Our lawyers love us!

And yes, I do masturbate for Ziva all the time, the only time I don't is when we get divorced.

Hmm, now that I think about it. Yeah, maybe that's why she divorces me. That's it, I have to tickle my pickle more!

Who knew maturbating could save a marriage...anyway, I better go before this turns into an infomerical. Oh shit, there's Ron Popeil now!

Operators are standing...bye!

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Author Note #1 - I can't reply to anonymous reviews, so if you would like an answer, please sign up, etc. so I can reply to you. Thank you and have a nice day.


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